No Sugar-Coating Allowed

Patton Oswalt = Pure Badass

2009-03-15T00:59:00.000-07:00

So...here's a blog of his...i couldn't resist posting this hilarity.

(From his myspace blog)

Monday, January 05, 2009

GAY-THAM FOR STATHAM
Jason Statham has never been in a great movie.

He's also never been in a boring one.

Statham's imdb.com profile, collectively, is a promise to you, the weary filmgoer. It's a promise that says, "I promise that you will not FOR ONE SECOND be bored during one of my movies. You won't learn shit about the human condition, or feel a collective connection with the brotherhood of man. But if you give me $10, I will fuck an explosion while a Slayer song plays".

I just watched CRANK on Showtime, and I can't understand how I missed this when it was in theaters.

I'm buying THE BANK JOB and DEATHRACE on iTunes today. After CRANK, Mr. Statham can count on my $10 every time he makes a movie. If someone figures out how to make a movie for $8, and it stars Jason Statham, then they're guaranteed a $2 profit.

I look forward to any new film by Ang Lee, David Gordon Green, Paul Thomas Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Paul Greengrass or Ross McElwee.

And now, Jason Statham. I don't know how much say he has in the films he makes. But I get the impression that he reads the scripts. And if the script doesn't make him want to drive a bulldozer through a cake store, I'll bet he punches the script through a wall.

In fact, my entire stack of Academy screeners would have been vastly improved by the addition of Jason Statham. Here we go:

CHANGELING: Jason Statham plays the kidnapped boy, who immediately beats his kidnappers to death, then fights female assassins on top of a blimp.

CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON: Jason Statham injects the backward-aging man-freak with a Sino/Chilean rage compound, and they fight in lava pit.

DEFIANCE: Jason Statham throws Hitler into a woodchipper, eats the entrails as they fly out the other end, and then shits out Winston Churchill.

DOUBT: Jason Statham drop-kicks the Pope through the core of the Earth, and the Pope's head goes up Meryl Streep's ass and then Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" plays.

FROST/NIXON: Jason Statham pulls off David Frost's skin, drops him into a tank of sea salt, and then Statham and Nixon rent a limo and drive across country, shotgunning hippies.

GRAN TORINO: Jason Statham glowers at Clint Eastwood, who glowers back, creating a Glower Vortex which destroys the planet.

THE READER: Statham kills the teenage kid with a lawnmower, then fucks Kate Winslet literate.

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Jason Statham drives an 18-wheeler full of nitro into the title suburb, blows everything to shit, and then spends 90 minutes hunting down absolutely everyone involved with the making of this film, beating them to death with TV trays.

THE WRESTLER: Jason Statham, Richard Nixon, the 'roided-out Benjamin Button murder-freak, the Churchill feces-baby and Mickey Rourke drive cross country in a limo, with Leo DiCaprio's severed head on the hood, where they crash the Spirit Awards and kill everyone.

There you go. Statham! Full disclosure: I saw Jason Statham eating a salad at Joan's on 3rd, here in L.A. Really, I did. I wanted to say hello, but he seemed like he could chuck an arugula leaf through my skull.

Do yourselves a favor, Academy voters. CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE comes out April 19th. On April 20th, rescind all the voting categories. There should be one statue given out next year -- a 45-foot, sentient Oscar kill-bot, which Jason Statham will fight to the death at the next ceremony.

Statham! Yell it when you're fucking!

THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FORGET THE WORDS

2009-02-15T14:42:00.000-08:00

This is priceless...stick through the entire 47 second clip....at least until the 35second mark.

"FRIDAY THE SHIT-TEENTH" (2009 VERSION)

2009-02-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

Lemme sum up what "Friday The 13th" (remake) is on a short paragraph.

It's a steamy pile of cow dung covered in burnt hair...the pile is slowly being cooked in a frying pan, and you have a gas mask on that is directly connected to the steam from the pile that is cooking.

...Actually, it's worse than that.

The moment I got into my car, I tried calling a friend up (who also witnessed this trainwreck of a movie), but I coudn't tell him how much I hated the movie because another friend of ours was on the other line with him saying the same thing.

I laughed during this movie...only due to comments by those in attendance, or because the scenes and acting were so ridiculous.

Here are the movie's problems:

-So many pointless references to weed
-So many pointless scenes
-Terrible acting
-Terrible script
-Extreme Predictability
-Boring death scenes...I mean honestly...If your movie is going to suck this much, why not have some good gore at least to hopefully salvage the film?
-Tons of fake Ta-Ta's...OK...this I don't get. What's with all the nudity in comedies and horror movies these days? All the women have huge, fake boobies...they look so damn tacky. How are these appealing? And, it also seems like screenwriters/directors are like, "Hey, we say 'fuck' in this movie...let's add some tits to make it more 'R-Rated'"...
-Aweful plotline
-Jason looked like shit...not scary
-Overall awefulness

A friend said it right..."People involved with this movie are like, 'welp...let's just make a piece of shit, but we'll make money this weekend, so it's all good.'"

Whatever happened to taking pride in your work in horror films in Hollywood?

I think every death in this movie could be shown on TNT after 10pm without censoring anything...no decapitations, no amputations, shit, man! this movie was aweful.

I know there are more things I want to say about this movie, but it's 3:54am.

I was looking forward to something great here...As I was a fan of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake...i know, i know, horror fans disagree. I thought that movie was done right for this generation.

"Friday The 13th" (2009) is worse than that worst parts in "Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" and "Jason X" combined.

It's not even worth a rental price. How did this movie screen well for test audiences? Who, in their right mind could enjoy this movie?...please...if you see it, and liked it, tell me why you liked it, and then go look in the mirror and ask yourself why you are a complete moron.

Here's how I rate this movie on differnt scales:

0/5, 2% on the Rotten Tomato Meter, 0/5 (stars). 07/100...you get the point.

If you would like to ultimately waste your time in the dumbest and lamest way possible...pleae, go see this movie.

OH MY FECK IT WAS AWEFUL!!!!!!!!!

IT'S BEEN ABOUT 6 MONTHS...WOW, I SUCK

2009-02-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

Since my last post...here's what's happened:

1.) I've moved to D.C. (area)
2.) I sing in a new band called Solar Powered Sun Destoyer
3.) I have a job now, where I teach kids how to play guitar, bass, and drums (roolz)
4.) I'm dating a girl who is pretty damn awesome
5.) I'm seeing Meshuggah in like 2 weeks
6.) Denali is playing a show @ The Black Cat in June (psyched)
7.) Writing lyrics is still difficult, but I'm getting there
8.) I've seen many awesome movies
9.) I've wasted a lot of time on the internet
10.) I've found a lot of great bands on the internet (i.e. The Most Serene Republic,
Land Of Talk)
11.) I still have a beard
12.) I still have back problems (sux)
13.) I bowled a 244
14.) I'm eating meat again
15.) SPSD is opening for The Appleseed Cast on April 14th
16.) I saw United Nations @ Black Cat and Darryl Palumbo didn't show (I'm pissed)
17.) Obama is president (I'm not very political though)
18.) "Religulous" is a really sweet movie
19.) Zak has posted 50 things on his blog, at least, since my last post
20.) I'm still pretty broke
21.) I'm enjoying the crap outta D.C.
22.) I'm going to type a little rant now.

So, moving to a new city is not something that I'm afraid of at all. I embrace the environment...plus it doesn't hurt that I can play in a band with my best friends in this town. However, this place is effing expensive.

This next lil part will be addressing my thoughts on peoples in my life recently...some comments positive, some negative, but never sugar-coated (sour).

Moving here (to D.C.) was the best decision I could have made. I did it for me, and me alone. As a result, I ended up hurting someone...which sucks. I said something that I regret saying. Before I said those unforgettable 3 words, I thought I was going to mean it. After I heard the words come out of my mouth, I immediately regretted my decision to say those words. Then I said it again, and again, and again with no emotion behind it. Not to say I didn't care for this person, but I definitely wasn't "in love". I wish that some people would realize that it isn't always all about them. I think if that's accepted, then life could be a little easier for them.

Flash forward 2-3 weeks or something...I meet someone new. ROOLZ! I didn't plan on it happening, but it did, and I'm glad. things are going smoothe for now...Friends like her, she likes my friends. She's a good cook, ultra-nice, considerate, adorable, etc...It's all in the first stages though...everyone's always on their best behavior at that time right?

I'm guessing that only a few people will read this blog, and those who read it could probably easily guess who is involved with the subject matters I have discussed...welp...there ya have it peoples...my opinion.

I've just realized what I can write about, lyrically for a new jam....awesome...I'm gonna go give it a try...

AND WHILE I'M DOING THAT, WHY DON'T YOU CHECK THIS RECORD OUT!...IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

The Most Serene Republic - "Population"

http://www.mediafire.com/?nnxxmmniexv

Until next time...and NO!!!....I will not suck at updating this anymore.

"THE DARK KNIGHT": MORE LIKE "THE PERFECT FILM"

2008-07-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

OK...immediately after this movie ended, I wanted to stay in the theater and wait for the next screening.

The film run time (sans time for the end credits) is 2 hours and 25 minutes.

"The Dark Knight" feels like 2hrs and 25 mins...but here is the catch:

THERE IS NOT A SINGLE DULL MOMENT DURING THAT LENGTH OF TIME...NOT ONE.

I am ok with saying that this is hands down, the best film of 2008, the best of any Batman related show, comic, toy, or movie.

As expected, Heath Ledger is simply astounding...and terrifying.

There is a running music theme for The Joker throughout the movie that makes your body and mind feel uncomfortable. Not since "30 Days Of Night" have I been terrified of music in a movie.

Yes...I believe that Heath Ledger makes a better Joker than Jack Nicholsen. Many will agree. Many will call me stupid.

One thing that I hope doesn't happen is all the hype for Heath as the Joker overshadows the performances from the other lead actors.

Aaron Eckhart makes a better Harvey Dent/Two-Face than Tommy Lee Jones...and to see he change from good to evil can only be fully enjoyed and understood after watching this movie.

Michael Caine...I don't even need to comment on how great of an actor he is. The best Alfred...definitely.

Morgan Freeman - ...........perfect...yet again

Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes...Maggie made me care for her character. Why Katie Holmes was in "Batman Begins" I still don't know why?

Gary Oldman - We get to see a lot more of Commissioner Gordon.
and every minute is worthwhile.

Finally....Christian Bale as Batman...he's my personal favorite Batman...But I think his shining moments in this movie are him as Bruce Wayne. His voice turns to a raspy growl when he speaks as Batman...I feel that he definitely got into the role more this time around.

The character development in this film is some of the best I have seen in recent memory...

Incredible film. Terrifying, Sinister, Lovely, ACTION-PACKED!...and I do mean that...i am not going to ruin anything for anyone..but oh damn...Some amazing stuff that HAS to be seen.

QUICK....someone see this movie so we can talk about it...NOW!

Until Next Post...

John (Slobes)

NEW DENALI SONG (VIDEO FROM REUNION SHOW)

2008-07-10T01:14:00.000-07:00

"CHURCH HILL BRICKS ("LIVE AT THE NATIONAL, RICHMOND, VA 07/05/09)

i am so grateful for seeing this band live. mere words cannot express my gratitude for this band.

<3...that's right...<3

D.C. TO HOST KANSAS...OF CHRIS KANSAS PROPORTIONS

2008-07-03T15:09:00.001-07:00

Chris Kansas is coming to DC as i type this...what a fukin trooper...could this weekend get any better???

iThink not.

D.C. HERE I COME...

2008-07-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

Denali Reunion Show comin up on saturday...I'm so excited that I don't even want to talk about it...so here are a few Denali videos so you can be jealous:

"Hold Your Breath"

"Normal Days (Live @ The Echo Lounge, Atlanta, GA)"

"French Mistake (At Black Cat, D.C.)"

"Welcome (Live Acoustic On Y101)
Welcome (live acoustic on Y101)

I can't wait

COMPLIMENTS OF SAM FARKAS...

2008-06-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

a request by sam farkas for a marcus finnie solo with Space Capone...Sam is that toolbag with the guitar at the very beginning...

And now for some better music choices...

2008-06-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't want to just leave something terrible on my first post. so I have compiled here, a collection of videos that, to me, are sweet. There is a wide range of music here, so I think that there is something for everyone. Enjoy:

1st, MESHUGGAH.
Meshuggah is probably the only true metal bands that I enjoy...time and time again. I never get sick of 'em...and I am stoked that I get to be alive while they are existing...They're newest album is called "obZen"...pretty brutal, but I have aim to say that "Nothing" is their best record...Brian Hospital made a good point when I asked him about "obZen"...he said that he skips a couple tracks usually...I didn't agree with his decision at first, but after listening to the record again, I'm totally on the same page as him...anyways...all other metal bands can just stop trying to write music because Meshuggah will always top whatever any other metal band composes.

"Bleed" (Off the LP "obZen")

2nd, ALOHA
What can be said about this band that can actually do them justice? Aloha is one of the most unique, creative bands I have ever heard in my life...and that is not a stretch. Aloha makes the type of music that I think will be celebrated LONG after they cease to exist. When I first heard them back in '04, I was intrigued, but not hooked...That's what makes Aloha so great. They make the listener focus and completely understand what's going on in their songs. Music moves me. But Aloha's music invokes emotions unlike any other band that I have listened to. Aloha is for people who truely enjoy music, and not for those people who listen to whatever is around them. Enjoy...just as many others have whom I have introduced to Aloha.

"Mountain" (Off the LP "Some Echoes")

3rd, KATE NASH
Ok...ok...ok...Yes...it's some "Bubbly" music...And I like it...A LOT. It's so damn catchy and playful, and basically just, FUN! I don't really think there's a whole lot of depth to her as an artist, but her accent kills me (in a good way)...maybe that's why I'm hooked:

"Mouthwash" (Off the LP "Made Of Bricks")

4th, FRIGHTENED RABBIT
So...as I stated earlier, few bands stir up HEAVY emotions in me. This is one of those bands. Every single lyric by this band seems so perfect. The lead singer, Scott, says what I have wanted to say to every past girlfriend I have ever had really. You hear people say "Oh I feel that song was written just for me". I have never felt that way, but the song "Backwards Walk" causes goosebumps up and down my spine even on the 78th listen to the song, and the lyrics basically explain my past situations with girls. Damn, it's so perfect.

Here's a live video of another jam too:

"Good Arms Vs. Bad Arms" (Off the LP "The Midnight Organ Fight")

Welp...I hope you all enjoyed my first posts...send me some comments or something ya dweebs!

-John (Slobes)-

The Gayest Band Of 2008...So Far

2008-06-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

OK...so, being a music fan, and hoping that mainstream music will turnaround for the better, i try to keep up to date on pop music...this includes me checking out the "you oughta know" section on VH1. comThis is how i discovered Kate Nash, A Fine Frenzy, and a couple other "bubbly" pop artists, that yes, i kinda of like..well, Kate Nash, I definitely like...but what I am about to show you, is pretty musch the pussiest song I have heard in a long fucking time.1st off, this band's name is BEYOND homosexual: THRIVING IVORY...I mean, that almost sounds like another name for an erection, let alone a little racist...song title, "Angels On The Moon"...really dudes? c'mon.without further adieu, I give you, the gayest piece of music in 2008...so far...

Now...does anyone feel as though they could date a member of their same gender at this point??? If I offended anyone with this bulletin...chill out!...it's just my opinion.P.S. - I am going to start my music blog right now...I'll post another bulletin about the site, what the address is...what it will entail...all that jazz.-John (Slobes)-